Being a high-stakes online journalist is brutal, brain-taxing, soul-bruising work. But every now and then you get the little bit of recognition (read: free stuff) that makes it all worthwhile.

On Friday I had the chance to attend the Haven/Elle magazine pre-Oscars "gifting suite" along with LAist's own Lisa B.* We made our way to the hills of Beverly Hills and after fighting our way through a forest of monstrous Cadillac Escalades -- what better way to say, "I'm filthy rich and I have no taste?" -- we found ourselves in a posh modernist house with a stunning view of West Los Angeles.

All manner of free food and booze awaits you -- as long as you're willing to drink your cabernet out of a paper cup that promotes Monster energy drinks. That's the thing about these events, there are sponsors for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Sponsors for the tea sandwiches at the snack table, sponsors for the vodka, sponsors for the energy drink, sponsors for the dessert table. I'm only surprised there wasn't a sponsor for the toilet paper you use to wipe your ass. Although who knows. I didn't go to the bathroom, so there might've been.

The sponsors ranged from high (hooray for Belvedere vodka!) to very, very low (TrimSpa was heavily promoting something called "TrimWater," which is supposedly a diet drink but tastes more like grainy, sugary water flavored with cough syrup. Note to TrimSpa: grainy is NOT a word you want to use to describe water.) I was thrilled to see that my favorite San Francisco-based dessertry, Citizen Cake, had furnished the dessert table with scones, little jellied squares, a variety of delicious chocolate edibles and a massive, artistically rendered cake that looked too impressive to eat.

After Lisa and I had regrouped under the Moroccan disco balls, we decided it was time to investigate the main event (read: cadge for schwag). There were two levels of invited guests, talent (blue wrist bands) and everybody else (orange wristbands). If you're talent -- Niecy Nash from Reno 911, James Kyson Lee from Heroes, Jonathan Schaech from Road House 2: Last Call, Judd Nelson from St. Elmo's Fire or this skinny little brown haired girl who I couldn't recognize but looks like a discount version of Alexis Bledel -- you walk around while all the product reps fall all over themselves to give you awesome stuff like a pair of navy blue plaid Gola sneakers; a talking, walking, programmable Netflix "remote of the future"; a singing, dancing, programmable Toto "toilet of the future"; jeans from Royal Underground (that's former Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx's clothing line); jeans from Reo Starr; diamond pendants.

If you're a random "industry insider" you can still get cool stuff: a Citizen Cake t-shirt, a baseball cap from Nikki Sixx's clothing line, a super cute tank top from Scanty, chocolate tidbits, Tree Hut coconut and lime-scented Shea body butter, more chocolate, Desert Essences pumpkin-scented lotion and most impressively… footie pajamas for adults. Ohmygod, yes! Finally, Jumpin Jammerz has made my dreams a reality!!! Now you too can work from home and emulate Lazy Freelance Writer Barbie, because you'll be wearing an outfit that perfectly transitions from work to evening wear.

In the midst of this we wandered into the Revlon room, where we were asked by a group of very nice, very heavily made up ladies, "Would you care for a touchup or a makeover?" Lisa declined, but I chose the latter. "Can you give me Japanese robot eyes?" I asked, but all the make-up artists were baffled by my request. Every cultural reference I mentioned -- David Bowie, electroclash, Blade Runner -- fell flat. I finally gave up and said, "Can you make me look like an extra from Dallas or Dynasty circa 1982?" They went to town! I have silver glitter permafrosted to my eyelids.

When all I need are a pair of massive shoulder pads and a gallon of rhinestones to make my transformation complete, who should happen to wander in but Anthony Anderson. He's picking up some make-up for his daughter when he notices me. A look of horrified amusement crosses his face.

"Oh my god! What did they do to you?" he asks.
"Don't worry," I say and explain that I asked them to make me look this way: like a crazy, rich Texan housewife.
"Well, it worked," he says."
"Actually, I just woke up looking this way," I joke.
"That's a good thing," he says with a laugh. "Because that stuff doesn't look like it's coming off!"

Anthony is right. I am wearing so much make-up it looks like I'd need a sandblaster to get it off. The weird thing is that in person it looks totally icky and gross. But when Lisa snaps some pictures of me with her digital camera, it looks great in the photos. The awesome and terrifying power of make-up.

When I am finally done, Suzie, the very nice make-up lady asks for my card and promises she'll watch her boyfriend's DVD of Blade Runner so she can learn to do Japanese robot eyes for me.

*In the weeks leading up to the Oscars there are tons of these gifting suites and events, which have a long and lucrative tradition but were amped up a notch this year after the IRS announced that awards attendees must now report gift baskets on their tax returns.