Ted Haggard came out of his magical three-week excursion and today announced that he's 100% heterosexual.

No more dick for him.

Nope, none.

Now you might laugh and think we're just teasing the good pastor, but strangely we believe him! Which doesn't frighten us as much as the ramifications of the next step, which is-- if Ted Haggard can stop being gay in just three weeks, can you become gay in just three weeks too?

No offense to our GLBT friends, but we don't want to turn gay in three weeks, and we're sure they don't want to turn straight in three weeks.

Whatever procedure Mr. Haggard went through needs to be analyzed and outlawed.

Weed is illegal but the ability for others to change someone's sexual preference isn't?

What if this technology gets in the wrong hands?

You think we're kidding? This is a man who had the ear of the President of the United States... sometimes weekly. This man wouldn't lie. He's a man of God.

If Ted Haggard says that he had a bunch of gay sex over three years, and then three weeks after treatment he's fully straight, then he needs to be fully believed.

And then fully probed.

What if the terrorist discover this technique and turn all our children gay? That's how you wipe out America. Stop people from being straight.

And how would they get to our children? The schools. Everyone knows there's a teacher shortage. Those terrorists just can become teachers and in three weeks all of our kids are switching teams and watching The View.

Ted Haggard should be arrested.

Ted Haggard should be investigated... and analyzed... and there should be an autopsy on his straight then gay then straight body.