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After an exhaustive, interpretive study of empirical data, our highly specialized research team has concluded that it’s probably going to rain all weekend. In light of this startling find, we present a brief guide outlining what you can expect in this trying and confusing time. Good luck out there. Here’s what you need to know:

1. Snails
Please be aware as to not squish them under your giant man-feet. Hard though their shells might be, they are no match for a well-soled Nike or a leather-upper, spectator pump. Snails are our friends and our closest genetic match. Were it not for their hearty exoskeleton, these gummy angels would be all slime and good intentions and looking remarkably like you and me. Luckily, their shelled-armor defends well against stray lightening bolts and bite-sized predators, but their vulnerabilities are many, and now that snail-conservation has finally come into vogue, it’s up to us to protect their precious little lives.

2. High Fashion Umbrellas
Umbrellas are the accessory to have this season. Get a simply striped, low-gust job from the .99 cent store, or something more Farnsworth Bentley-ish at Saks or Barneys. Either way, you’ll be chicly in the know, and dry from head to toe.

3. Mudslides and Landslides
There’s really nothing funny about these. If you live on a hill or at the bottom of one, you should have a plan. FEMA’s pre-disaster advice is better than their post-disaster action.

4. Rainy day games
Board games are always a winner with the family or roommates. If you live alone, solitaire or cyber scrabble will do the trick. Assuming the power is still on and you have Dish TV, LAist also recommends giving their new Karaoke function a whirl. When songs in the style of Huey Lewis and the News are beamed directly to your living room, hilarity ensues. Forget for a moment that the satellite's interactive functions feel cumbersome and slow, and just enjoy the lack of pitch control coming from the spatula microphone.

5. Traffic
While rain may seem a mysterious phenomenon to some, it is actually quite normal and much needed in this modern, thirsty world. Perhaps there is a hypnotic quality to the rain that compels people to drive like raving douche bags or lulls them into a state of drooling idiocy, but whatever the cause, it's best to be on alert when you hit the streets. Millions of people drive in the rain everyday without smashing into each other. Keep to a reasonable speed and a reasonable distance. This does not mean slowing to a snail’s pace (see above), or pretending not to notice the rain while driving as fast and erratically as you would on a sunny day. Please note.

6. Mountains
You will see them once the rain has washed away the smog. Do not be alarmed. They have been there the whole time.

Happy Hydroplaning!

Photo by evobassman via Flickr